How Can You Embrace Aging with Hope and Joy?
If We Are Lucky to Be Alive, Then Aging Is Inevitable
Aging is an uncomfortable topic to talk about, though most people have real fears about it.
A few days ago, I read an article by the inspiring Charles Amemiya, in which he movingly writes about the challenges of aging and asks, "What would have to happen for you to not want to live any longer?” He talks candidly about his own fears about dying alone, not being able to do the things he loves, and losing his independence. (Link to the article below)
It is understandable that people lose their will to live when they suffer from terminal physical ailments or severe mental health issues. However, an expert care ethicist has identified five challenges that make older people, who are not suffering from these conditions, also not want to live any longer. These are acute loneliness, loss of identity, fear of dependence, pain of not mattering anymore, and severe fatigue.
Not surprisingly, the story evoked many responses. Some of them were cheerful, but quite a few were depressed and discussed being open to exploring a quick exit.
I never thought of “aging” because, at heart, I am just beginning life at 30 😀. Also, I am not much of “a thinking about the future” type of person. I believe the present moment is all that we have, and how I live this moment shapes my future. This article would have ordinarily passed me by, except that I could not but respond to the extreme pain that some of the readers expressed, even to the point of expressing their willingness to consider an early “out”.
You see, I have experienced the pain of losing loved ones to death too many times.
Neither of my parents got a chance to age, they left too early. And not a day has gone by when I have not wished that they were here with me
It is not that I am not familiar with the challenges that old age brings. My father-in-law was intelligent, dynamic, and used to being at the center of everything. His sphere of active care and concern extended beyond his family to include friends, community, and even my extended family.
To see him bedridden, afflicted by Parkinson’s, was tough; but to see him look up at me and give me his best toothy smile warmed my heart, while also breaking it.
The last question that he mumbled to my mother-in-law, was to ask about my daughter’s Physics exam. He adored his granddaughter and was alert enough to remember her exam schedule. Sadly, he passed away a couple of days later. My daughter did very well in her exams.
I wished he had stayed on for a little while longer, and imagined how he would have beamed with pride and delight, despite all the pain.
The Four Stages of Human Life
Ancient Hindu scriptures prescribed four distinct stages in an individual’s life.
Brahmacharya — Student
Grihastha — Householder
Vanaprastha — Initiate into Spirituality
Sannyasa — Renunciate
- Each stage in life was meant to be lived to the fullest.
- The third stage was when the individual “retired” from household / worldly duties and left home for the forests. This was the transition stage when the individual started withdrawing from the material world and started exploring his or her inner spiritual essence.
- The fourth and final stage is when the individual gives up material life in his/her pursuit of moksha, liberation, or self-realization.
As per Hindu philosophy, the purpose of human life is to seek and attain self-realization, which means, to uncover or realize our divinity within. This liberates us from repeated cycles of birth and death and releases us from patterns in life that enchain us to our limitations and compulsions.
How is this relevant? For the answer to this question, let us turn to a prince who left his wife and child, a luxurious life in the palace, and a chance to be a powerful king.
Let's Face It; Life Is Challenging
Indian philosophy is quite matter of fact about life being challenging.
As Prince Siddhartha, or as he is more popularly now known, the Buddha, realized,
suffering is inevitable in human life
The prince grew up in luxury. When he was born, sages had predicted to his father, that he would either be a great king or a great monk. Not wanting his son to become a monk, the king insulated the young prince from all kinds of human suffering and surrounded him only with pleasure.
At the age of twenty-nine, Prince Siddhartha went out into the city, for the first time, accompanied by his charioteer, Channa. While he was out, the prince saw an old man tottering on his stick, a sick man lying helplessly on the ground, and people taking a dead body to the cremation ground. This was the first time that the prince had encountered old age, disease, and death. Each sight unsettled him and each time he asked Channa what that person was undergoing. Every time the charioteer replied that what the person was undergoing was inevitable and would happen to everyone, including the prince.
The prince was deeply troubled when he realized that the suffering caused by old age, disease, and death was inevitable in human life. He then saw an ascetic in search of enlightenment, to end the endless cycle of suffering. This consoled the prince who now understood that he could find a way out of suffering. He left the palace, his young wife and son, and his royal life and set out to find a way out of this suffering. After years of practicing austerities and meditation, Siddhartha Gautama attained enlightenment and became the Buddha (literal meaning: the enlightened one) at the age of thirty-five.
After attaining enlightenment, Buddha taught The Four Noble Truths, which form the essence of Buddhist teaching. These were:
- dukkha — the nature of human life is suffering,
- samudaya — the cause of suffering is desire (trishna),
- nirodha — the end of suffering leading to the attainment of nirvana (state of enlightenment), and
- marga — the path to be followed to end the suffering.
Suffering is inherent in human life. Desire causes attachment but it is possible to get freedom and go beyond suffering, by attaining nirvana.
Not all of us can attain nirvana or liberation in this lifetime. But we can certainly choose to suffer less.
Understanding the Nature of Suffering
It is not enough to know that suffering is inevitable, and that attachment causes suffering. For us to apply that in our lives, we need to understand the nature of suffering a little more.
Fortunately for us, Buddha was the physician of the human condition. He diagnosed the nature of suffering, its causes, and the way to transcend it. Buddhist scriptures break down suffering into three distinct levels, which helps us understand what we go through in our daily lives.
- The first level is “suffering of suffering”, which is the physical and mental pain that all of us experience, like, illnesses, injuries, hunger, hurt feelings, anxiety, etc. These are the day-to-day challenges that we face. This type of suffering gets cured but keeps coming back in different forms, or even the same form at various times in our lives.
- The second phase is ‘‘suffering of change’’, which affects us at a deeper level. We look for happiness and pleasure in people, things, and situations in the outside world. When these change, we suffer. The same thing that gave us happiness now irritates us, and we want to replace that with another. Change causes suffering and this is pervasive because things change all the time.
For example, we don’t like our bodies changing with age. We seek to reverse that change through cosmetic procedures. When the procedures start showing limited results, we change the procedures with different ones.
It therefore follows if you are dependent on someone or something for your happiness, you are bound to suffer because that person, thing, or situation will necessarily change. That is the law of nature.
Equally, it is important to recognize that change does not cause suffering; but our assumption that anything in this ever-changing world will remain a constant source of joy and happiness that causes suffering.
- The third level of understanding of suffering is ‘‘the suffering of existence”, or the “all-pervasive suffering” which is our own unenlightened state, in which we identify our body and mind as ourselves and think that we are this body-mind complex.
My Mid-Life Crisis Explained Through This Lens
A few years ago, I went through a mid-life crisis. I had quit my job as a senior banker, and soon after, my daughter left home (in Mumbai) to pursue her undergraduate studies in New York. That same baby who needed her mother till the day she left suddenly became an independent young adult. My raison-d’etre vanished and I soon nosedived into depression. (Suffering of Change)
My eating habits changed; I could no longer tolerate certain foods. My hair started falling, which I learned was due to psoriasis. I got introduced to the term auto-immune condition and what that meant for me (Suffering of Suffering)
‘‘Who am I without Wembley Stadium saying, ‘you’re awesome’?”
Chris Martin
It was similar for me too
“Who am I if I am not the big-shot banker awesome Mom?”
(All-pervading Suffering)
I started to question my (meaningless) existence, and one day, reached absolute rock bottom when I could not get up from bed. I had to reach that desperate point of no return, to seek answers on the how-what-why of my life.
- The first lesson that I learned was how mistaken I was when I had identified myself with the many roles that I had been playing. Hot-shot banker, supermom, fantastic wife et al. My identity was entangled with all these labels. I realized that I was not those labels. I had gotten attached to them and when they left me, I wanted to cling to them. Which brought a lot of misery.
- I understood what it means when they say that the external world is a projection of your mind. Whatever you experience, joy or sadness, pleasure or pain, agony or ecstasy happens within you. How you feel within is entirely your responsibility.
- Love cannot be need-based. Then it becomes transactional and ugly. To love someone means to include him or her as he or she is.
- We cause misery for ourselves by being burdened by the wounds of the past or by expectations from the future. The present moment is the only moment that we experience.
- The external world consisting of things, people, and situations will never be able to make you happy. There will always be something unsatisfactory or incomplete. You must find your bliss within.
Everybody Needs to Transition
Now, the four stages of life make sense, right?
If as children, we had been taught how to have the right perspective on life, we would have known how to conduct life. Unfortunately, these studies are not a part of the school syllabus and so we stumble through life, blindfolded, taking all its arrows and slings in our stride. Till we become old, and all the wounds start coming forth, stopping us, and slowing us down. Regrets of the past weigh us down as do the anxieties about the future.
It is during the transition phase when you start withdrawing from the external world that you turn inward. When you attain equilibrium within, your outside world will be at peace too.
Then you will live in the moment, joyfully. And you will age, gracefully.
“Old age need not be misery. In many ways, old age can be a great blessing because the whole experience of life is behind you…. It can be a very fruitful and wonderful part of your life, but unfortunately, most human beings suffer their old age simply because they don’t take care of their rejuvenation process properly…If you take care of your rejuvenation process well, old age can be a miraculous part of your life” — Sadhguru
I hope you enjoyed the article. I would love to know your thoughts on aging and suffering, in general.
Link to article by Charles Amemiya https://medium.com/crows-feet/how-many-of-us-will-eventually-get-tired-of-being-alive-791f5c3c7d16
While authoring this article, I relied on Swami Sarvapriyananda’s discourse on Buddha and the Four Noble Truths. The link to the YT video is https://youtu.be/QnGp0WON93I?si=wUoMcPDUAQcqA1eL
For those who are interested, you can read this article https://isha.sadhguru.org/in/en/wisdom/article/old-age-can-be-a-great-blessing
