Creating a Safe Space can help
A young friend called me earlier today asking for career advice. He had spent three years in his present job in and wanted to move into a larger role. We were ending our conversation, when he confided that he was working in an “abusive” environment, where he was shouted at publicly. This was the first time he was articulating his experience; he wasn’t able to speak about the work stress that he faced with anyone in his family — not even his parents. At the end of our extended chat, he said he was feeling better, not because I promised him a new job but because I was able to provide him a safe space. A space where he could share his feelings honestly, without being interrupted, judged or questioned on the validity of his experience.
From early childhood, we are conditioned to suppress our feelings of shame or hurt. We are taught that people in authority, like teachers, are right and our feelings are wrong. The teacher soon gets replaced by the boss at work and the parent or spouse at home. As a child, I was treated unfairly by my Geography teacher. I hated school, my self-worth was low and remained that way well into my adulthood. I was struggling but my family wasn’t able to provide a safe space where I could share my confusion or the remarks that the teacher had unfairly put on my notebook. My mother had her own set of challenges; neither she nor my grandparents were able to keep their emotions aside to see through my cheerful demeanor and tend to a troubled child.
I quoted Eleanor Roosevelt to my young friend. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. An inspiring quote, yet it sounded hollow to me. Inspirational quotes are not enough to change our response to unfriendly environments. What one needs is the how-to, and that is what I have tried encapsulating below:
- Acknowledge the situation: The first step often times, is the most difficult one. It is to recognize that you are being treated unfairly. As a child, I thought there was something wrong with me. And that pattern continued throughout my life as I not only readily accepted unfair behavior, but also constantly forced myself to “improve”. This meant that I was always unhappy with myself and my environment.
- Don’t be the victim: Be objective and consider if there is any merit to the criticism. It is easy to course correct sooner rather than later.
- And after that stop asking why: It is tempting to rationalize seeming “irrational” behavior. We cannot understand why a person picks on us or why the slightest change in tone is enough to trigger him / her. We change our behavior patterns, hoping to be on the right side of the perpetrator, often the person in authority. That just puts more pressure on us, and instead of focusing on the job, our judgement gets clouded by the peripherals. Larger the organization, more the peripherals. Sending flowers on bosses’ birthdays becomes as important as meeting targets.
- Separate the behavior from the person: Disliking someone shouting at you is different from disliking the person. A personal dislike will fill you with fear and trepidation whenever you encounter the person, further impacting the way you respond to the person.
- Avoiding your boss is not an option — s/he is an integral part of your life. Approach every encounter with an open mind, without pre-conceived notions.
- Forgive the person and practise compassion: Forgiveness means you are not wasting your precious mind-space on irrational people and you are allowing yourself to move on from that moment. Practise compassion for the poor souls who feel shouting and yelling are the only way they can favorably influence their environment.
- Reclaim your power: Once you do the above, you will find it easy to reclaim your power. The next time someone yells at you for no reason, you will be able to respond calmly, without getting flustered.
Finally, it is difficult to do all this alone. Seek people who can provide your safe space. It could be a professional coach or your friend. You don’t have to suffer through this alone.
I connected my friend to a life coach, with this message:
The above is not by far a complete list. Do comment and share your thoughts.
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#mentalhealth #leadership #safespace
